opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
