i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
