and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
