when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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