woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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