everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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