U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
