mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize