She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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