the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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