My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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