We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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