see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
