I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
