Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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