do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
