it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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