I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
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I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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