Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
