i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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