good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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