Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
