Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
