I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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