I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
this is an emotional support booty call
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
