just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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