Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm like, not good at living.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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