My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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