Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
