You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
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Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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