You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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