The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
