my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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