were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
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Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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