Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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