You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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