Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
