Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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