I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
