The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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