how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
