The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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