i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pants are for mortals
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
