I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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