Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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