Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
