Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
