my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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