Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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