I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
