i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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