i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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